Tag Archives: life

Death, Motherhood and ‘Creatures’

I realized these were all Norns.

I thought about what I had done to these creatures. I thought about how I had wanted to save them.

I was not looking at save dates. I was looking at epitaphs. I was looking at headstones. This was not suspended animation at all. I had made coffins.

I had been paralyzed by my own fear of mortality, and so, one at a time, I’d paralyzed my Norns.

I had not saved them from their own too-short lives. It was exactly the opposite: I was so frightened of watching them die, I had murdered them instead.

via A Constant Furrowing: Death, Motherhood and ‘Creatures’ | Unwinnable.

A great read on exactly the kind of mentality that means we shouldn’t be taking things too seriously. Make mistakes, not for the sake of making mistakes, but because you have many, many more lessons to learn.

And if that means a Norn has an unsatisfactory life here and there, so be it.

Twenty One

Another day, another notch on the ol’ belt-buckle of life. Wait, I think I used that analogy last year…

I don’t think I can write anything positive without spiralling downward into the abyss, so I’ll just say: look at these Derpy Cats and be done with it.

Here’s to more maturity, or something. If only maturity measured in age-years was linked to wisdom, then we’d all be in a better place. And yet, here we are…

Inconsistent Application

Alternate title: The End

Well, ladies and gents, it’s been a good ride. Through thick and thin, you’ve successfully managed to ignore the vast majority of my posts on here, so I guess this is it. I am, of course, referring to the imminent demise of the Facebook Notes importer that works via RSS. If you’re reading this on Facebook, then this is probably the last post you’ll see from me for a long, long time — but if you’re reading this on my, you know, actual blog (www.bennylingbling.com for those playing at home), then you’re guaranteed the same sporadic posts that you’ve always had, with a money back guarantee! Okay, maybe not that last part. But still, random sporadic posts should be good enough for anyone, right?

What follows is a post that has had to be written for a while now…

Primary School

The year is 2001, and the Benny Ling you know is just 10 years old and in Year 5. He’s sitting in class, when suddenly, the teacher plonks down the marked copy of a previous maths test. He looks down, incredulous, at that red lettering: 100%. The perfect score.

I remember it like it was ten years ago. Sitting in class, when my teacher at the time hands back that maths test. It was on the decimal system, as I recall, fractions and that sort of stuff, and I managed to get 100% on it. The teacher exclaimed to the whole class that she had checked it thoroughly, twice, and that I had actually gotten 100% on a maths test. One of my favourite memories, and yet, my report for that year reads something like so:

“He is a very capable in all aspects of language and test results confirm this, yet work is sometimes presented at a standard below his best.”

“Benny’s work on his German project was most disappointing, far below the standard of which he is capable.”

I still have that maths test, somewhere.

Year 6 is perhaps even more eye opening, at least in terms of reports:

“In SOSE, which requires him to do research and put in considerable effort for a good result, he does not achieve as well as in other areas.”

And perhaps the most scathing comment of all:

“He is a very capable student, but often only does the minimum necessary, and homework is frequently not completed or of a standard well below his capabilities.” … “He is able to write for specific purposes but often does as little as possible.”

I was one of those students that always strived to finish first. One of those students that strived to be the best — but only at things I knew I could actually be the best at.

Secondary School

Fast forward a few years. The year is now 2004, and the Benny Ling you know is now a few years older, and perhaps even a few years wiser. He gets his Year 8 interim report, and that’s when it all starts to fall apart…

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Up and Down

It’s like a rollercoaster over here.

The past few days have sucked completely because I’ve been very unproductive (and that will have some consequences I’ll face some other day), and for a moment there, it was almost funny — I’d think about how much work I had to do, do completely none of it, then think about the consequences of not doing so. This led into a spiral of doom which me feeling pretty sucky; getting angry at myself for not doing any work, knowing any consequences I would have to bear would be all my fault, writing semi-depressive blog posts on the subject under the guise of unanswered questions, questioning all sorts of things.

Yeah, it kinda sucked.

But the thing is, now those deadlines have come and gone, I got a whole heap done today. There’s no hugely pressing deadline per se, but I did have to get a few things done by tomorrow or the end of the week — and today, I pretty much ticked off every single thing on my list. Weird, right?

It’s not that I can’t work under pressure  — arguably some of my best work is when I’m thrown into the deep end. So what is it? The pressure of doing my best work knowing that someone is looking over my shoulder every step of the way? I used to say that I did my best work alone, but now I’m not so sure. Perhaps I need that pressure of being accountable, that pressure of knowing that I’ll have to answer to someone for my work— someone other than myself.

You know what? I’m actually not sure what it is. Perhaps it’s the fact that when faced with a million seemingly-insurmountable tasks and the lure of a good game, I’ll choose the game every time. Or perhaps it’s the fact that sometimes I just can’t be bothered — I could do the work if I was bothered, but man, sometimes I just don’t see the point.

In any case, I got a few things done today that I’m pretty proud of. Unfortunately, I’ve also made some pretty poor decisions in the past week — the consequences of which I’ll face some other day. No sense getting dragged down by the past now, is there?

Over and out.

This post part of Blogtober 2011, just a little thing of mine where I (attempt to) post something up on my blog every day in October 2011.

 

What you YOU missing out on?

calvin and hobbes

via Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip, September 06, 2010 on GoComics.com.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the thing.

Welcome one, welcome all, to another one of those “reflective” posts.

Now, without sounding like I’m blowing my own trumpet, I’m pretty good at this computer thing. Certainly there are areas of my computing knowledge that are lacking, but I think I do a pretty good job. I could tell you how to win a round of game of Bad Company 2, for example, and yet I don’t know anything about programming in Python.

In the above comic Calvin is wondering aloud about the awesome TV shows they’re potentially missing due to watching a nice sunset — and that’s the crux of it, really. Where do you draw the line between doing something you enjoy and just getting out there and experiencing new things? Things that perhaps are outside of your comfort zone, things that you wouldn’t necessarily enjoy?

I know all about forum etiquette, but to date I’m still pretty baffled by pointers in C. I could create a heightmap in Photoshop to form the basis of terrain in Unity, but deriving mathematical formulae is still something I can’t do well.

Sometimes it takes an act of faith to realise what you’ve been missing out on all this time. An excellent example of this is socialising. I’m can be pretty alright when it comes to talking to other people, but I can also be pretty anti-social if I want to be. I’ve never been out clubbing late at night because (I think) that’s not my thing, but without having actually been clubbing, how would I know? Perhaps clubbing is actually the awesomest thing ever and I’ll meet the love of my life while out clubbing? The thing is, because I’ve never been out clubbing, I’ll never know (although I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t find the coolest girl ever in a bar, but weirder things have happened).

I could tell you how to forwards ports on a number of different routers, and make it so that you could access your home computers when you’re out and about, but I’ve never passed out from excess alcohol consumption (some would say that’s a good thing). I find talking to girls pretty difficult (or should that be pretty girls difficult?), but I could tell you how to edit the ID3 tags of any MP3.

The point is — how many experiences am I missing out on because I’m too busy marvelling at the wonders of the internet? One could certainly argue that the Internet would be able to tell me all about those experiences, but there’s nothing like experiencing things first hand.

Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith. And hey, I might enjoy loud crappy music, spending hard-earned money on pointless alcoholic drinks, and getting hit on by women whose fathers would be shocked and appalled if they could see exactly what their little princesses were up to.

Yeah, sure.